Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
