i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
she told me i tasted like america
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
