i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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