we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
