I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
