the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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