Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
