If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
