dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
