after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
