college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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