If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
