She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
