he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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