At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
