There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
