I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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