"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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