College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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