They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
