thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
