Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
