I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
