In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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