Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
