Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
