dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
