I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Just invented taco cereal.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
