Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
