You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
