I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
