You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
