end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
