Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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