if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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