She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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