Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
