dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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