you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
