New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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