Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
