mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
