I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
