um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
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