you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
