I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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