I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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