when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
