3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
