Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
